Thursday, August 07, 2008 @ 10:26 AMon this sleepless night, as i sit on this bed, latptop on lap, figments of my past flash through my head. i shall just spew out whatever comes to my head.
how have i lived my life? i do not think entirely wasted. i've got some great friends, i've read some great books, and i've gotten to know the greatest of all, Christ.
my feelings for Christ.. how shall i put it? it's of eternal gratitude. it's of fiery passion. it's of the sweetest love ever to exist. but why is it that my actions and thoughts contradict these so much? all the iniquities and all the sins, they can never be completely washed away. even if He forgives me, how can i forgive myself?
everytime i start to think too much, my head hurts. it's not that i'm ill, but it just happens. lately, i feel like i am gaining strength emotionally but my physical aspect just deteriorates like nobody's business. i think my biological clock is on hiatus. people always see me and think that i am just very tired or very sad. but that's not true! my soul is bursting with life and zest and energy! but the thing is, my body does not have the power and the will to complement them.
not treating my body well? maybe. my sleeping and eating habits disgust me. how did i ever lose myself to procrastination and laziness? i'm fighting a losing battle here. but i know that i want to win. i want to win so badly. and what do i need? the strength from God. the same One that i often let down. but you know what? i'm going to do my best. i'm going to be my best. and i'm going to show the world what i am made of. i'm going to start treating myself better.
now how did i ever end up staying up at almost 2 am to post? the same day on which i have 2 things to worry about. the 2 things that will make or break me. i just can't get to sleep.
national day finale. i really hope all goes well. i'll be extremely pleased and satisfied if nothing goes wrong. because this is our first batch project! and i believe that the Lord is with us and He will ensure that it goes well! i love you, batch.
president's charity launch reception. big one here. i've got to watch myself. i don't look like a terrorist, do i? okay good. i really feel very honoured to be given this chance to represent the school at such a major thing. but i wonder if i really am the right choice. no no no, i will not screw up. i will uphold the name of our school! and i will do my duties as overall i/c well. i need guidance and reassurance.
hmm staying up does have benefits right? imagine if i did not. i would not have read the emails that mr huang from heartware sent me at 12 something am. then i wouldn't be very in-the-know at president's charity launch later on. oh well.
i do surprise myself sometimes. this part is secret.
anyway, this post was not meant to be coherent or logical. just random thoughts on a sleepless friday morning. hopefully i'll come to my senses soon.